Sun, Sea and Demented Spaniards
by Sweetest Malificia
Summary: A RE4 Parody. Welcome to Spain, a country with lovely weather, great scenery and friendly locals. When Leon S. Kennedy visits, he finds out that all the locals are far from friendly. Chapter 6 up! YAY!
1. TOW The Nintendo DS

A/N: Yup, another RE4 parody. I'll keep it original, though! As always, your reviews keep me going! Make sure you leave one! Hands readers a cookie.

* * *

Sun, Sea and Demented Spaniards  
Chapter 1

It was a warm autumn day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the leaves were a pleasant mix of reds, browns and yellows. Spain was lovely this time of year, and Leon would have spent some time to enjoy it, if it wasn't for the all-important mission of saving the President's daughter. Yes, we've already seen it in the films, and we know there's going to be a happy ending, but Capcom really thought it was original, just as they thought spooky mansions were.

Leon sighed, gazing out the back window of the four-wheel drive. About four or five people in funny hats were playing Mexican music, which was strange considering they were about twenty miles from the nearest town.

The driver turned around, taking his eyes off the road. A few seconds later, a painful howl came from under the jeep.

'Who are you, really?' asked the driver.

'I'm Osama Bin Laden, what do you think?' replied Leon.

'No, I mean…ah forget it.'

'I'm here to save the President's Daughter, Ashley Graham, twenty years old and currently wearing a hot miniskirt.' Leon started drooling at the thought. 'Anyway, why did you tag along? It's not like we're going to be singing Kum-Bi-Ya round a boy scout camp-fire.'

The cop in the passenger's seat started crying. 'I bought marshmallows and all! You meanie!'

Leon felt seriously annoyed with these idiots. 'I promise we can have a camping trip after the mission, ok?'

'Yeah, whatever,' said the driver. 'Uh-oh. I think I drank too much back at the rest stop five minutes ago. I need to go take a wee-wee.'

'Awe, little baby need to go potty?' chimed the other cop. Cop number one gave him a piercing glare, and jumped out the door.

For twenty minutes, cop number one stood there, relieving himself. 'Brrrr, it's freezing out here, and no-one likes frozen vegetables,' he said with a grin. He zipped his trousers back up, and turned towards the jeep, when he saw something big and scary and intimidating rush by in the trees. 'Hmm, must be a wolf or summing.'

He returned to the jeep, and continued driving towards the village where Ashley was apparently spotted last. Leon widened his eyes as cop number one started singing, '_Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf?'  
_  
The American spy shuddered, and took out his DS. He could waste hours on _Pictochat,_ and loved to prank-message Hunnigan, and she had no idea that it was him.

'Hey honey,' he scrawled, 'Wanna go out for dinner after this mission?'

A few moments passed, then her reply flashed on screen. 'Leon? Is that you?'

'Shit.'

He placed the handheld back in his coat pocket, and looked out the window. They were crossing an old bridge, and Leon could see the village in the distance.

The car slowed, and the driver waved his hand. 'Can't go any further, amigo.'

Leon opened the back door, and stepped out of the car. 'Now, don't do a Brad on me.'

'A Brad?' asked cop number two.

'Didn't you ever play that really scary game? You know, the one with the Zombies?'

'I hate video games.'

'What kind of a sad freak are you!' yelled Leon. 'Anyway…don't leave without me.'

'What if there are a load of evil villagers coming to kill us?' joked cop number one.

Leon laughed. 'That's different, but I doubt that would ever happen. Not in a million years. Not in a month of Sundays. Not in a-'

'We get the picture, amigo. We wont chicken out. We won't do a…Brad.'

'Thanks.' said Leon, and he walked off towards an old house. 'Oh, wait. I forgot something.' He backtracked to the car, where the cops were looking at something, and drooling.

Cop Number One: (Insert random Spanish here)

Cop Number Two: (More Spanish)

Cop Number One: (Drools) (Random Spanish)

'Ahem'

'Oh!'said cop number one. Leon caught cop number two hastily shoving something in the glove compartment. 'Ahem…uh, forgot your make-up or something?'

'Um, yes, actually. I left my mascara. Can I have it?'

'Oh, sure.' Cop number one gave Leon the small peach tube. 'See ya.'

Leon walked off, leaving the cops questioning about his sexuality.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

'Gay'? asked cop number one.

'Defiantly,' said cop number two.

He opened the glove compartment, and took out the mystery item. 'Thank God he didn't see this, eh?' he said.

'Yeah, what a beauty!' said One.

For ages they sat there, gazing at the giant Mars Bar.

Cop Number Two: (Random Spanish)

Cop Number One: Ohhhhhhh si…

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

A/N: Will Leon find Ashley in the village? Will we find out more about his sexuality problems? Will the cops do a 'Brad'? Find out in chapter 2!


	2. TOW The Website

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Here's chapter 2!  
Disclaimers: Resident Evil 4 belongs to Capcom, and The Legend of Zelda belongs to Nintendo. Oh, Crazy Frog belongs to someone. MGS belongs to Hideo Kojima. 

Chapter 2: The One With The Website

Leon walked towards the old house, and spotted evil-ravens-that-will-most-probably-kill-you-in-one-peck, and took out a handgun from his Amazing Invisible Attaché Case™ (small). He tried (and failed) to shoot the birds.

'Wait, I'm on easy mode!' said Leon to no one in particular. 'I have a kick-ass shotgun!'

So our hero progressed to blast the shit out of the poor, defenceless creatures, which turned out to be only a couple of harmless blackbirds. Amazingly, when they died, they left Spinals and Handgun ammo.

'Muhahahah! I am invincible! And rich,' gloated Leon as he picked up the goodies, which, also amazingly, weren't covered in birdy guts.

Leon finally reached the building, which was run-down and gloomy. He walked through the door, holding his handgun (where had his shotgun gone?). He heard a fire crackling (a fire in autumn, in Spain?) and, surprise surprise, random Spanish.  
He stepped into the room, and spotted a weird guy prodding the fire.

'Excuse me, sir? I was wondering if you could help me? Have you seen this girl?' Leon held out a picture of Ashley.

Meanwhile, millions of miles away in Hyrule…

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

As Link finished playing his Ocarina, an extremely ugly fairy rose from the fountain, screeching like a witch. She was in a bad mood, and she said to Link, 'You know, I was going to give you the power to understand the Spanish tongue, but I think you have enough useless crap already. So I'm going to give the power to someone who actually needs it…'

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The Spanish guy stared at Leon oddly, and only then did Leon notice the pretty blue sparkles. He felt weird, and he blurted out, 'Hola'.

'Hello. What the &!# are you doing here? Get the hell out, bastard!' said the Spanish guy.

'Wow! I can understand Spanish and…oh, sorry to bother you.' said Leon.

He proceeded to walk off. The Spanish guy stopped poking the fire, and picked up his axe. 'Die, you sunovabitch!'

Leon turned, with a startled look on his face. 'WHATTT?'

'Crap. I forgot you could understand me. Well, um, where was I?'

'Well, you were going to kill me with your blunt axe, which you will almost undoubtedly throw at me, and it will only take 1 bar off my health, when it should kill any normal human,'said Leon. The guy looked at him oddly, tilting his head sideways, like a cute little doggy. 'Eh?'

'Never mind. DIE SCUM!' Leon proceeded to shoot the Spanish dude who actually had short-term memory loss, and would have invited

Leon to a friendly water fight in the back garden instead. He fell to the ground, and a lovely pool of blood flowed through his torso. Odd, since Leon had shot him in the head.

Leon heared a revving noise outside, and ran to the boarded-up window, slipping over the dead guys blood in the process.

'Owww! God no, I bet they're pulling a Brad on me! Nooooo!'

He picked himself up, and looked through the boards in the window. Sure enough, the car had gone, and there were loads of evil-looking villagers heading towards the bridge.

'Well, I'll be damned! There are evil villagers!' said Leon, and then the words, 'Call. Press Select' appeared on the screen, along with the Crazy Frog ring tune.

'Le- I mean, Solid Leon here.'

'Colonel Hunnigan here. Have you infiltrated the infastructor-thingy-magigy-random-words-which-I-don't-understand, Leon?'

'Yes. And…it was not I who messaged you on Pictochat earlier, it was, err, …George Bush!' replied 'Solid' Leon.

'REALLY?' said 'Colonel' Hunnigan.

'Uhh…yeah…' said Leon, breathing a sigh of relief. 'Anyway, this guy, he was really mean to me, he told me to &#! off! And then the meanie attacked me with an axe! So I killed him, and I smudged my lipstick!' he whined.

'Yeah, whatever Leon,' yawned Hunnigan. 'Anyway, how are those guys who drove you there?'

'I think they pulled a Brad on me, and, well, they are so weird! I mean, they kept drooling over what seemed to be a porno mag…'

Cops #1 and #2 up above: IT WAS A MARS BAR!

'…and they hate meh!'

'A shame, I was hoping you'd get on…well, like your kind do…'

'YOU SET ME UP WITH THEM!' screamed Leon.

'Uhhh…gotta go! Good luck!' quickly said Hunnigan, and the line went dead.

'Right, now can I go outside?' said Leon to himself, and nearly cried as he received a text.

'Leon, changed your mind yet? I really like you! Luv C.R.'

'Damn girl!'

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Somewhere in America…

'How come I can never get a man? They're either gay, dead, or…um…blood related…' mumbled Claire, as she returned to her 'We Love Chris Redfield' website.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

We return to our hero as he looks for a way out, because the idiot villagers prevented the door from opening. He ran up a set of stairs in the back, and was stunned to see no more rooms of any kind. Strange, the house was so big on the outside…

Leon turned to window, and saw a big green button on the screen with the words, 'Jump' written.

'I shall doeth whatteth the buttoneth shalleth telleth thee!' announced Leon, and the background was replaced with a giant American flag,  
'For I am…LEON SCOTT KENNEDY!'

Has Leon gone mental? George Bush? WTF? Has the cops really gone to heaven? Will Ashley be saved? Is Salazar really 20 years old? (Ooops, wrong chapter ;;) Do you want a biscuit?

Find out in chapter 3: T.O.W. The Village!


	3. TOW The Village

A/N: Chapter three up! By the way, I've changed the fic's rating to 'M', 'cuz of all the swearing and such, just to be safe. Also, you guys are too kind with your reviews. I couldn't help myself but to reply to some of them, so…

Ninjoc: Hey, don't we all love weird shit! It rocks our world:)

Cymoril Avalon: When Claire said 'gay', she was referring to Leon, not Steve. All for the purpose of humour, I suppose! As for Solid Leon…I have no bigger passion than combining my two favourite games, you'll have to excuse me ;.

Rezie: Sorry, I am a random kind of girl:P

Fionara: There's a funny story behind that, actually…I was drafting this over a friends place, and his sister annoyed us with her Crazy Frog tune, so hey. At least it's better than Sweetie the Chick. (Takes out TMP and blows the shit out of Sweetie)

Lady-Ithil: Yup, one of the best lines in Resi 4!

Nicola-235: How could you be running around if you've bust a rib? XD Thanks for the praises!

Ataru-13: Hey, so someone did check out my FF post in the guild! Thanks for checking my fic out, anyway!

Disclaimer Time!  
I don't own Resi, blah blah. It belongs to Capcom. I do own this parody. 'Tis mine. My precious…

**Chapter 3- The One With The Village**  
(IMPORTANT NOTE! I, as a fan girl, don't think Leon is gay. It's just that the make-up remark led to my friend's and mine untimely death by laughter, so I had to write it! So, fellow Leon fan girls, please don't come to my front door with pitchforks ready to slaughter me.)

The villagers looked up as something flew out the window.

'It's a bird!'

'It's a plane!'

'No, it's… the American agent!'

'What agent?'

'You know, the one who's on the front of the game box.'

'You can breach the forth wall?'

'Yeah, the author has decided to give everybody special powers. She likes to be random.'

'Righhhtttt….'

'Anyway, KILL THE AGENT!'

And so as Leon jumped out the window, the ganados gathered around, raising axes, pitchforks, knives, hammers, lampshades, and donuts.

A few minuets later, Leon left the yard, covered in blood, yellow crap, and cream.

* * *

Leon proceeded to the village, and cried when he saw a dog with its leg caught in a beartrap.'Oh, you poor little thing!' he sobbed, and  
released its leg.

The dog limped away, and to Leon's surprise, didn't leave any money, or rations, or whatever they leave in games.

'Ungrateful mutt.'

He continued on, and saw some ganados by a bridge. They hadn't seen him yet, so Leon decided to have some fun. He hid behind a nearby tree.

'Run in fearrrr…FOR I AM THE TROLL UNDER THE BRIDGE!'

'Who said that?'

'Let's go warn the others!'

'Shit,' said Leon. 'Now there's going to be more donut throwers!' Right, so axes and knives don't scare him, but cream-filled pastry does.

* * *

He had nearly reached the gates to the village, and decided to raid the last hut. He limped in (the idiot got caught in the bear traps) and pissed his pants when he saw a female body pinned by the head to the wall with a pitchfork. He thought it looked very much like Ashley, so he took out her picture and started to compare them. He spent ages looking at the body and the picture, and he finally decided.

'Can't be Ashley, this woman's too cute.'

'You said it!' said a ganado that had sneaked up behind Leon.

'Ahhh! Stalker!' cried Leon, and kicked him in the nuts. 'I know I'm cute,' sighed Leon, as the villager fell to the ground, clutching his manly area, 'but this stalking thing is ridiculous…'

He broke some boxes and added all the spoils to his collection in his Amazing Invisible Attaché Case™ (small).

Leon returned to the big gates, from which behind came noises such as 'hey! A car!' (CDL: What am I supposed to know? It sounds like that!)

'Must be civilized enough. If they attack me, I'll use that dude to breach the fourth wall and live with a fan.'

So he opened the gates, and entered…

THE VILLAGE!

Leon jumped as the codec-radio-phone thingy beeped with the tune of 'Crazy Frog vs. Axel' (he couldn't resist, it was on TV all the time) and  
Hunnigan appeared on the screen.

'Leon, how you holding up?'

'What do you think? This is _Resident Evil™©®™, _for fuck's sake. It's no walk in the park!'

'Leon, language!'

'Don't worry, she's changed the rating.'

'Hmm, whatever. I'm sending you a playing manual.'

'Playing manual? Wha-'

'You can find it on the 'File Screen'.'

'File Screen? Hunnigan, what-'

'Browse through it using left and right, and exit it by using the 'A' button.'

'Awah? Left and Right? 'A' button?'

'Yes…'

'What are these buttons you are talking about?'

'Ah, screw it.'

And so, after hanging up, Leon followed the path. In the sky, a plane sped by, dropping a large ACME™ crate, which housed the all-important Playing Manual.

'What piece of crap is this?' asked Leon to no one in particular. The front cover sported the Resident Evil 4 logo (A/N: Why is the '4' in front of the name? XD) and the back had an advert for some game called 'Killer 7'.

'Killer 7? Is that like Ocean's Eleven? Hey, I might meet Brad Pitt here! My fantasies have come truuueeee!'

Unsurprisingly, the villagers heard him.

'Un forestero! A foreigner!'

'…Shit (again!).'

The villagers approached him, raising donuts and other crap. Leon screamed like a girl, and aimed at one of the ganados. He sneezed and accidentally hit a cow by mistake.

Several people wearing yellow clothes ran to the cow and took it's body to a nearby building with a giant yellow 'M' on the roof.

'Right…they live in a shitty village, wear dirty clothes and have a McDonalds. Makes sense.'

The villagers chased him into an old house. Leon barred the door with a set of drawers, one of which was broken, spilling out blunt chainsaw blades. It should have been a big enough clue.

'Who are these people? What are they planning? What the- Shit, a chainsaw! Son-of-a…Where in the world is Carman San Diego? Bush for president! (More random phrases). Leon pissed his (still wet) pants again when a chainsaw chopped the door down.

'Ahhh! Massacre!' Leon screamed, re-living the fear of a few nights before, when he had once watched 'The Texas Chainsaw Massarcre' with Claire. Although even with Claire treating him like a two-year-old, he wouldn't stop crying.

He rushed upstairs, and ran to the window. He looked out, and screamed when a ladder smashed through it.

Sure enough, there was a chainsaw maniac (a.k.a Salvador) standing by the ladder.

It was time to use the shotgun!

(ALERT! Bad Cardcaptors rip-off!)

'Shotgun of U.S.A,

Power of Destruction,

Power of Fight

Surrender the kick-ass weapon,

The fuse ignite.

Release!'

By now, Salvador was halfway up the ladder. Leon jumped out the window (no fancy battle costume, I'm afraid!) and performed a Matrix-style twist, and fired the gun at his head, protected only by a crisp packet. A direct shot in the head, and he fell off the ladder. And yet he stood up again. 'The Mighty Crisp Packet rules all!' said Salvador.

Leon was now pretty freaked out by all these villagers, and was about to shoot them all to hell, when church bells started ringing. The villagers all stopped, transfixed.

(Random Spanish)

'Ahhh….Lord….Saddler…'

They all walked through a metal door towards the north of the village, before Leon could finish them off.

All alone, Leon thought it was a great time to pull out his first joke.

'Where's everyone going? Bingo?'

* * *

Will Leon ever act like a normal human? Where did he learn the Matrix moves? Is he a descendant of Clow Reed? Has Ashley died of boredom yet? Are you still reading this crappy story?

Find out in chapter 4: The One With The Yorkshire Merchant!

* * *

Meanwhile, in the church…

Announcer: All the fives, fifty-five!

Villager: Bingo!

Announcer: Well done! The winner today gets to spend a sexy night with the American chick upstairs!

Ashley: I hate you all!


	4. TOW The Yorkshire Merchant

A/N: Well, here it is. Chapter four! Sorry for the slight delay- it's half-term and I'm either out, asleep or trying to complete RE4 on Pro mode. Yes, I still haven't beaten Pro. Oh, the shame. 

Oh, and sorry about any spelling mistakes. You can't expect a thirteen-year-old to be a perfect writer. Wait, you do? Ah, screw this. –Takes out ultra-expensive spell-checker- You may murder me for mistakes this time.

One last thing…I changed the rating back. It didn't seem 'M'; there was only one naughty word. And anyways, my friend begged me to change it, he couldn't read anything 'M' rated, his dad always checked the ratings, so...I have to be kind :) Anyway, if you play Resident Evil and you are under 16, you obviously don't give a crap if it's violent. Back me up here!

Chapter 4- The One With The Yorkshire Merchant

Leon's radio started to beep again, and Hunnigan asked, 'Hey, wassup Leon?'

'Hunnigan, I have some bad news.'

'What, your shoelace is untied?'

'Uhhh…no…' murmured Leon as he tied his shoelace. 'No…it's…ah…'

'You've confirmed the body of an officer, maybe?'

Leon looked around, and saw a gruesome sight- one of the cops was impaled on a stick in a giant fire. Looks like he got his campfire.

'…Yes! That's it…I've found an officer!'

'It was your shoelace, wasn't it?'

'You got me. Damn thing, always trying outdo me! But I have found one of the dudes, he's currently, um, well done.'

'What, he's rich, or something?'

'Hmmm, yeah, something like that…' said Leon.

'Well, anyway, get out of there, Leon.'

'But I-'

'Goddamit, boy, just get on with the game!'

'Sheesh, what's up with her?' asked Leon aloud as he put away the radio. 'Maybe Bush dumped her or something…'

Leon followed a path that led to the farm, according to a sign. He looked at the shabby fences, wondering that if the villagers had a life before turning crazy, why was the village so poorly built? To this day, I still wonder.

He entered a small hut to his right. Inside he found some ammo, and a letter with a few photos attached to it.

Leon was shocked to find that the photos were of him. 'They are stalking me again!'

The letter read:

'Recently there has been information that a United States agent is here investigating the village. Whatever you do, don't let him near our kitchens- the United States will close our restaurants down for sure. Oh, and don't let him get in contact with the prisoner, or poor Luis will most probably suffer a heart attack. Don't ask.

'For those not yet informed, the prisoner is being held in an old house beyond the farm. American, if you are reading this, he is NOT in the wardrobe. Definitely not. The banging noises are the giant rats. Again, don't ask. Anyway, we will transfer the prisoner to a more secure location in the valley when we are ready. As I said, don't let the American agent near the wardrobe…shit, I have no Tip-Ex…American, pretend I didn't write that.

'We don't know how the American government found out about our village. Salvador, if you added co-ordinates to your website again, I'll kill you. But anyways, we are investigating. However, I feel that this intrusion at this particular time is not just a co-incidence. I sense a third party other than the United States government involved here; maybe it's those damn girl-scouts again. But I honestly have no idea.  
'My fellow men, stay alert! The one who kills the agent gets clean clothes, so hop to it! American, if you are reading, then you have most probably survived my villagers. That is why I have deployed more useless numbskulls to defeat you. We will win!

-- Chief Bitores 'Bitter' Mendez

'Wow, what a weirdo!' said Leon. 'As if I would look in a wardrobe, how lame is that!'

Leon pushed open the big doors, and entered the farm.

It looked normal enough- there were chickens wandering around, and villagers were stacking hay, feeding cows or just standing around,  
pretending to work.

He ventured on, and when some of the villagers faced him, he could tell that they were crazy as well. He spotted some eggs lying around, and had an idea.

'FOOD FIGHT!'

He grabbed some of the eggs and threw them at the farmers, who were now advancing with pitchforks. One of them got a face-full of rotten yolk; another got one down his throat, and choked. When Leon had eggs, he was dangerous!

When he had finished them off, Leon walked over to a bright blue letter pinned to a tree.

It was titled, 'About the Blue Medallions.'

'For god's sake, this is getting ridiculous!' exclaimed Leon, but he read it anyway.

'15 blue medallions…

7 in the farm…8 in the cemetery…

For those of you who destroy 10 or more will be awarded the ultra cool, the one, the only, P- '

The rest was illegible.

'Stupid godamn letters with their stupid quests.'

Leon proceeded to the next area, having gotten bored of throwing eggs at the defenceless cows. He had found some treasure, loads of

spinals and a lovely beer stein, which needed 3 jewels to make it magically spout free beer. Of course, Leon took it, because he really wanted some booze. Poor fool.

Having left the farm, he was now at the top of a hill, with one of those weird signs. 'I've seen this signpost before,' said Leon, 'and it had been near a trap.' He looked up, and saw a boulder on the cliff. 'Hmm…looks safe.' Of course, he hadn't added two and two yet.

He walked forward, and heard somebody push at the boulder.

'Oh, shit-'

Indiana Jones theme music began to play as Leon ran from the giant rock. His best friend, the little green button, was telling him to sprint. As he reached the end, the button disappeared and was replaced with 'L' and 'R'.

'I shalleth doeth whatteth the buttoneth-'

'HELLO?' screamed Leon's smart side of his brain (which was rather small) 'GIANT ROCK OF DEATH BEHIND YOU!'

'Ooops,' said Leon, and he jumped to safety.

He ran down a tunnel that was just in front of him. When he got to the other side, he saw another creepy signpost.

'Again. The same signpost. Hmmm…'

Leon this time went forward with caution, and stopped when he saw a long piece of wire in front of him, connected to some explosives. My god, Capcom really are ripping off Metal Gear, aren't they!

Leon's initiative told him to run when he saw somebody throw dynamite at him. There was a loud bang, and Leon looked back to see that the attacker had blown himself up. How embarrassing.

Leon ran towards a huge house ahead, and was disheartened to see the front door locked with a padlock.

'Use the force, Leon…'

'What the hell?' stammered Leon.

'Oh, crap. I meant the Knife. Use the knife… or a gun…or your teeth…or a randomly strewn object…'

'Who is that?'

'I am the…um…adviser! Obey me and you shall live!'

'I will obey and live!' shouted Leon, and bust the lock with his combat knife. He didn't see the Ganado on the roof.

'Heh, what an idiot, he fell for it!'

Leon was stuck in the room, and that banging noise was really annoying him. He looked for an entrance to another room, but there was only a stack of shelves blocking what looked like a door.

'Screw this!' said Leon, and blasted the piece of furniture. Low and behold, the was a secret room!'

'Yay!' cheered Leon. He walked into the room, but there was nothing, apart from a banging wardrobe.

'Must be the giant rats.'

'The wardrobe…'

'Awah…?'

The wardrobe, you idiot!'

'Maybe something interesting is in…the wardrobe?'

'Dumbass.'

Leon cautiously approached it, and opened the door. He screamed as somebody fell out. He was bound and gagged, and apparently wanted out.

Leon ripped the sellotape off the mystery man's mouth. The guy went crazy.

'OUCH! YOU IDIOT! THAT FREAKIN' HURT!' he screamed in a very strong Spanish accent.

'B-b-but I-' stammered Leon.

'CAN'T YOU GIVE ME ANY BLOODY RESPECT?'

'I was only trying to-'

'I'VE BEEN LOCKED IN A FUCKING WARDROBE FOR AGES, DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED HELP?'

'Do you need help, then?'

'Ok, then amigo,' said the Spanish guy politely.

Leon began to untie him. What a weirdo…

'You're not like them?' asked the Spanish man.

'No, you?'

'Do I look like them?'

'Well, yeah, kinda. No offence.'

'Ces cero,' he muttered. 'Ok, I have one very important question. Do you have a smoke?'

'Got gum,' said Leon, 'but I'm not sharing it with you, meanie!'

The Spanish guy opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by loud stomping noises. Two Ganados ran into the room, followed by a huge, ugly man in a raincoat.

'Great…the big cheese.'

'Cheese?' said Leon. 'I like cheese!'

'You idiot, that guy wants to kill us!'

'Oh, does he now?' said Leon. He ran up to the giant and kicked him. Well, he tried to. The giant grabbed his foot.

'Oi!' shouted Leon. 'These are bloody expensive Nike trainers, get off!'

The giant threw Leon back on top of the Spanish weirdo and the wardrobe.

'I see birdies…cheese…yum…'

'Feeble humans…let us give you our powers…soon, you will be unable to resist this…intoxicating power…har de har har har!' laughed a guy in ridiculous robes, as one of the Ganados injected Leon with a small egg in a pretty purple liquid.

'You will become my slave! Har de har! You will cook me my Los Plagos omelettes! Har har!'

'Seriously, Saddler,' said the Ganado, 'You need a better evil laugh.'

'What, isn't it scary enough?'

'It's really lame.'

'You little rat!' sneered Saddler, as he kicked the Ganado's head off. 'Woot! Goal for the Saddlerator!'

Leon awoke with a start. He looked around the room he was in. Completely new setting. On the wall in front of him, there was some purple graffiti: You have been pwned by the Saddlerator.

Leon heard someone snoring; he was tied to the Spanish weirdo he had saved.

'Hey, HEY! Wake up!'

'Huh…I don't want chicken for lunch, Mariette…uh? Ei yi yi, crawl out of one hole, and into another. I suck at this.'

'You want to tell me what's going on here?' asked Leon.

'Not 'till you give me gum.'

'When we get out of here.'

'Fine…fine…Americano, si? Now what makes a bloke like you to this part of the world?'

Leon tried to get his photo out. 'Easy, whoever you are,' said the Spaniard.

'Name's Leon. Came looking for this girl. Seen her?' Leon took out a picture of Ashley from his back pocket.

'What, you supposed to be a cop or something? Nah, you don't look the type.'

'Maybe,' said Leon, offended.

'Let me guess…she's the President's daughter?'

'That's too good for a guess. Want to start explaining?'

'Psychic powers…Nah, just kidding with you amigo. Internet.'

'Figures,' said Leon, 'And who might you be?'

'Me? I'm Luis Sera. Used to be a cop in Madrid. Now I'm just a good-for-nothing guy, who happens to be quite a lady's man. Or a man's man.'

'You keep your greasy Spanish paws off my men!' growled Leon.

'Ok, ok!'

'Why'd you quit?'

'Policia. You put your life on the line, and nobody gives a shit. And there's an awful pay. Being a hero's not all it's cracked up to be anymore.'

'You sound like someone from a Disney film.'

Thanks…I think,' said Luis.

'Hmmm…anyway, I used to be a cop myself. Only for a day though.'

'I thought I was bad! Wait, I was bad!'

'Somehow I managed to get caught up in the incident in Raccoon City, on my first day in the force.'

'That was the incident with the viral outbreak, right?' asked Luis.

'Internet?'

'Yup.'

'I think I might have seen a sample of the virus in one of the labs at the department…'

Suddenly there was a scraping noise, and a villager came into the room, dragging an axe. He raised the tool above Luis and Leon, ready to kill.

'Do something, cop! Please! I don't want to die!' screamed Luis.

'Wait, maybe the Buttons will save us!'

'What the hell are you on, Leon?'

'Lookie, see? We press 'A' and 'B', and we live!' said Leon.

Sure enough, they dodged certain death. The axe cut the handcuffs, and as Leon rolled away, the Ganado lifted it up again. Leon kicked him where it hurt.

'Mummy!' squealed the villager, as Leon bashed the villager's head on the wall, killing him. Luis had run away, the scaredy cat as always.

Leon's radio beeped. 'Leon, you ok?'

'Sorry I couldn't get in touch sooner but I was a bit…tied up,' said Leon.

'Oh ha ha, brilliant pun. Head to the church by a secret passageway in the village.'

'What church, Hunnigan?'

'Didn't Luis tell you? Stupid crappy actors…'

'What was that?' asked Leon.

'Oh…nothing. Just go to the church.'

'But I'm not religious!' whined Leon.

'No, you idiot, that's where you will find Ashley. Screw this,' said Hunnigan, then she signed off.

Leon decided to go outside for some fresh air, but as he walked down the corridor, somebody appeared at the window.

'Ova 'ere, stranger.'

Leon ran out and pursued the mysterious person. He found him round the back of the house.

'Got somethin' that might interest ya, heheheh,' said the man, and opened his robe.

'OH DEAR GOD, NO!' screamed Leon. 'NOO! PLEASE DON'T FLASH!' But then his fear turned to amazement as the guy revealed lots of weapons, kick-ass ones as well.

'Got a select'n of good things on sale, stranger! Did you bring me the special blue medall'ns, stranger? 'Cuz I really need 'teh get rid of this gun, it's too bloodeh' heaveh'…'

'Um, in English, please?' asked Leon.

''Course I'm English- I'm frum Yorkshire, for that matteh!'

'No I mean…ah well. Give me those weapons! I want the Rocket Launcher!'

'That will beh thirteh thousand pesatas, stranger.'

'THIRTY THOUSAND PESATAS!'

Has Luis left Leon for dead? Is this the beginning of a new relationship? Is the Merchant really from Yorkshire? The Saddlerator-WTF?

Find out in Chapter 5- The One With The Urinating Ganado!


	5. TOW The Urinating Ganado

A/N: Sorry again for the late update, I'd thought I'd wait until the summer hols to work on this. Also…I have a translation list, so I've pretty much got some decent Spanish here. Use the insults wisely, my apprentices…XD

Chapter 5: The One with the Urinating Ganado

'THIRTY THOUSAND PESATAS!' screamed Leon. 'My God…'

'I take cash, cards or checks, strangeh,' said the merchant, oblivious to the screaming. 'But I don't give change.'

'Fine. Fine,' sighed Leon. 'I'll use my Visa then…'

He began to search his pockets, until he realised something wasn't quite right...

'OH MY GOD!' screamed Leon again. 'You BASTARDS! You stole my jacket! My money! My DS!_ My…chewing gum!_' he cried.

'Now now, strangeh! Calm down!'

'Calm down? CALM DOWN? I was on the last level of Pokemon Dash! And that gum cost me fifteen cents! And…and…'

'SHUT UP, STRANGEH!' yelled the pissed-off merchant. Fear the godly merchant. 'Weh need to rehsolve this peacefully. Give meh all your weap'nry, and I'll give yeh a stick of gum, deal?'

'Okies!' said Leon, looking delighted. He handed over his shotgun and pistol, and in return got a pack of Bubblicious.

'Ok!' said Leon, looking determined. 'I am gonna go attempt to save the President's daughter with only a stick of gum! I rule!' he said, as he skipped to a metal gate. 'Bye-bye, British dude!'

'Sucker,' said the merchant when Leon had gone.

Through the gate, Leon arrived at a weird little setting; wooden walkways were suspended on what seemed a bottomless pit, crappy tin shacks on the left, and a mini-cliff on the right. The exit was at the opposite side, and between it and Leon, an army of Ganados, wielding bog-standard angry-mob equipment, but also carrying mighty dynamite.

'Oh, lord help me,' sighed Leon. Unfortunately, he was heard by a Ganny, who replied with '? Le encontré!' (I found you!)'  
_  
Psychological warfare…_thought Leon. 'No, I found you!'

'Huh?'

'Careful you don't fall!' said Leon, as he pushed the Ganny off. 'Oooh yeah! Anyone else want a piece of The Mighty Leon?'

All the Ganados approached him, raising axes.

Thirty minutes, two emblem pieces and one very sticky fight (involving explosives encased in sticky pink bubbles) later, Leon had reached the other side.  
He had only one piece of gum left, and he decided to save it._ For when it all gets too much for me_, he thought. _I don't know if I'll make it home alive…_

Through the door that had a ridiculous emblem puzzle (it took Leon another half an hour to figure out that you had to put the pieces together) he was at a strange, tacky building, full of Ganados. He entered, but with his current ammo he couldn't possibly fend them off, and face it, he was no Solid Snake with his knife (he didn't even understand what CQC was, that damn game was too hard)

'Hmm, what to do…' Leon thought, when something shiny caught his eye. He turned, and saw a pretty golden mask in a little room, blocked by rusty metal bars.

'OOOHHH! SHINY! Must…get…can't…resist….'

He kicked the bars (why couldn't you do that in the game? –Y.M), jumped through and grabbed the uber-expensive antique. 'Wait, what the hell is something like this doing here, in a scrubby old village?' Leon wondered aloud. 'WHAT WERE CAPCOM SMOKING! WHY?'

He went on like this for ages. Finally, he had an idea. He looked at the antique, and he took out a dress he'd stolen from a female Ganado a while back.

Don't ask. Please, I beg you.

'I know what to do!' shouted Leon.

The Ganados were surprised to see a woman wearing a golden mask pass through the building, because blowing up the agent with dynamite was a man's job. Though many odd things had been happening lately, so they let it past. But Leon knew better…

'I'm a lady!' he said, in a high-pitched voice. (I can hear the _Little Britain _fans scream) 'I wear pretty dresses and I have pretty hair!' A few of the  
Ganado's wolf-whistled. 'Hey baby!' one of them called in Spanish. 'What you say we grab some alcohol and have a party in my run-down house?'

'Why, you bastard…I mean,' said Leon quickly, going back into high-pitch, 'I, er, I can't because, er, I have lady things to do! Yeah, that's it! Um, I have to apply make-up! Because I need to look pretty!' That wasn't far from the truth. Leon felt the tube of mascara in his pocket. A man needs long lashes, after all!

He managed to pass through easily, until he got to the beartraps. The Ganado assholes had planted way too many traps, and the hem of Leon's dress got caught in one. He hadn't noticed, and he kept on going. Suddenly, all the Ganados had stopped whistling.

'What? What is it?' asked Leon, looking around.

One of them yelled, 'It's a cross-dresser! I need backup here!'

'What the hell…' said Leon, and he noticed the missing dress. 'Oh shit…'

He ran and ran, through the building, and through a weird sewer tunnel, and up a ladder. The Ganados, who were slower than a gang of OAP's, had lost him. One of them blushed. His mate looked at him, then at his lower regions. 'Oh my god,' he said. 'Please don't tell me you were turned on by a guy.'

Leon emerged from the sewer, and his hopes fell when he saw a big house ahead. 'Jesus, not another loony-sanctum!'

He crossed over a long path and dodged some C4, and entered the house, to find the door locked by another puzzle. It consisted of a crystal ball with the Los Illuminados symbol on the inside, although of course Leon had no clue what the symbol was. He spent hours trying to figure it out, and was soon reduced to a little crying child. 'Mummy…I can't do it! Wahh!' In his strop, he punched the glass ball, which shattered into a billion pieces, and allowed Leon to reach through and unlock it from the other side. 'Cool! Crying does help!'

He stepped into the neat, tidy bedroom, which had far too many pictures of some dude in a purple robe. 'Probably some famous Spanish actor,' thought Leon, thinking of his own room, which had quite a lot of Orlando Bloom pin-ups. He heard some talk on the other side of the door opposite, and he listened in…

'…of course you need to dye your hair…but Salvador said…NO! It was _Wesker's _blood?'

'Defiantly….but the agent…evil rat….must be exterminated….EXTERMINATE!'

Leon opened the door and stepped through, ready to ambush them. He looked around, and screamed like a pansy as somebody grabbed him around the neck.

'What yo punk white ass doin' here, yo homie?' said Mendez. 'Yo not permitted to be chillin' in meh crib!'

'…What the crap?' choked Leon, who was turning blue.

'If I see yo punk white ass here again, yo gonna be killed, you dig?'

'Cough…splutter…what….the…' gasped Leon.

Bitores threw him to the ground, and flew off, singing an obscene song.

'Jesus, what a weirdo…'

Down the stairs of the house (and past more pictures of the purple-robed guy) and Leon was in a dining room. He saw a door to the right, with the word 'Toilet' written in Spanish engraved into the wood.

'Yay! Finally, a toilet in a RE game that I star in! Wow, Raccoon was awful, I had to hold it in the whole time…'

He opened the door, and screamed when he saw Ganado using the urinal. If all the Ganados were alike, then the big weapons were defiantly compensating for something!

'Wha-?' yelled the Ganado, and he turned to face Leon.

'WOAH! Please, make little Billy go back! MY EYES! THEY BURN!' cried Leon. The Ganado just stared, so Leon kicked him, careful to avoid Billy. The Ganado cried, and fell unconscious.

'FINALLY!' said Leon. 'Now, can I use the damn bathroom!'

Five minutes later, Leon exited the bathroom, which had no sink. Ew.

He decided to leave the psycho house, and he went through the opposite door, though not before savaging a chicken egg from the oven. (An egg in the oven? WTF?)

Though beyond the door, a familiar noise made his blood run cold.

'Muhaha! I have found you, American!' said Salvador.

Is Leon doomed? What is up with Mendez? Does anyone touch Leon's hands in the game? (Dear god, poor Ashley) What _was_ Capcom smoking when they made this game?

Find out in chapter 6: The One When Salvador Returns!


	6. TOW Salvador Returns

A/N: Hey folks! It's review reply time!

Insane Doughnut: Probably the same thing they were smoking when they made the opening movie to RE1? Capcom have already proven that they're a bunch of awesome pot-heads XD

Ninjoc: Yeah, ewww. There was no sink either…yuck!

Shadow Maniac: Sigh. I explained back in chapter 3 that I had only made him gay for funny-ness. Try killing me, I'll just whack you with my keyboard )

Nemisis538: You can try, Dan. I only got £14 for it.

Mizurio: Thankies! I'll try. :)

Gundam Mk Dead: We all love laugh riots!

Cymoril Avalon: Now there's a thought. o.O

Lady-Ithil: Yeah, Leon would make a VERY pretty girl! –giggles-

MichelLover67: Coming to a venue near you – 50 Cent, Eminem and Bittores Mendez in concert!

All I have to say now is…THANKIES FOR TEH REVIEWSIES! D

Chapter 6: The One When Salvador Returns  


(Thanks a million to Nemisis538 for his help on this chapter. Writer's block is painful , )  
  
Leon's eyes widened as he saw his old foe. The almighty crisp packet-wearing Salvador was advancing, an evil glare in his eyes. 'Bingo may have saved your life before, but nothing is gonna save you now!' he growled.

'GOD NO!' screamed Leon.

'God yes!' laughed Salvador. 'I have returned…for your head!'

'You can't take my head!'

'Oh yes I can!' said Salvador.

'Oh no you can't!'

'Oh yes I can!'

'Oh no you can't!'

'Oh yes I …aww, screw it!' Salvador was now mere feet away from our hero, raising the chainsaw above his head. Fortunately for Leon, the mental Spaniard tripped over a twig, screamed like a girl, and fell. His chainsaw sliced right through his gut.

Leon jumped in joy, but screamed again when Salvador stood up again, his intestines sticking out in a bloody mess.

'You will never beat me!'

Leon turned pale, wetting himself with fear. Salvador was approaching toward him again, a hungry look on his face.

Leon saw his chance, the little green button was back, and this time it said 'kick'.

Salvador fell again, clutching his manlyhood, tears in his eyes.

'Trust me, I didn't want to do that, ' said Leon.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

'Lookit this!' said a random Ganado, clutching a copy of Famitsu. 'RE4PS2! It looks gorgeous!'

'Oooo! Ahhhh!' said another Ganado, taking a peak. Soon, the whole village was crowded around, looking at the mag.

'They say that there's a whole side game with Ada in it!' said one.

'Wow, Weskie makes like, a 0.01 second appearance in it!' said another.

Leon heard them as he passed. He picked up a pitchfork and poked them all to death. 'TRAITOROUS CAPCOM!' he screamed. 'THIS IS A FLIPPIN' CUBE EXCLUSIVE!' he ripped up the mag and stuffed it down his pants, knowing he'll be pissing himself a lot during this adventure. An article caught his eye. 'Oooh! Pokemon Multicoloured Rainbow Version!'

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

'Ok…' thought Leon, standing in the centre of the village. 'What do I do now?' He suddenly thought of the key he found in Mendez's house. It must unlock something!

He looked around, and saw the McDonalds. 'I'm hungry!' said Leon suddenly. So…

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

'Welcome to McDonalds. Can I help you?' mumbled a spotty teenage Ganado in a bored voice.

'Do you serve happy meals here? I'm collecting the toys,' said Leon. The teenager raised his eyes. Literally, he took his eyes out of the sockets and put them on top of his head. Because that's another power I wish to grant the Ganados.

'We serve happy meals, what do you want?'

Leon studied the menu. 'Ummm…Chicken McNuggets, chips and a milkshake, please!'

'Ok, and here you get a free Code: Veronica toy,' droned the teen. 'But we're all out of the Wesker, Steve and Alfred toys. All the fangirls got them. And a guy with a chainsaw stole all the Alexia and Claire ones. So all that's left is one Rodrigo and a few thousand Chris toys.'

'I'll have the Rodrigo!' said Leon happily. His set was nearly complete (guess which one he didn't have). He sat down and played with his new toy (which came with a mini, but very real combat knife) whilst he waited for his food.

'Oi, Bella Sisters!' shouted the teen. 'Chicken McNuggets! Now!'

The sound of chainsaws, screaming females and chickens 'buk buk bukking' filled the otherwise silent air. Leon was oblivious to it; he had taken out the rest of his Code: Veronica toys and was re-enacting the entire game. 'I'm looking for my brother, Chris!' he said in a high pitched voice, making the Claire doll jump up and down.

One extremely ugly woman with bandages over her face came in, holding a box of McNuggets.

'Thanks, Stella. You've left all the good bits of the chicken for tea tonight, haven't you?' said the teen Ganado.

'Claire, I'll save you!' said Leon in an even higher pitch.

'Ewrea! Rea! Ewrea rea rea! Agghhhh! Ewrea!' screeched Stella Bella. Roughly translated: 'Yes, these McNuggets are made out of the finest chicken eyeballs and beaks'.

'Mmmmyes! I shall not let you escape, Claire Redfield! Heheheheee!' giggled our American hero.

'Good, good. Now, go make milkshake and chips!' commanded the Ganado. He turned to Leon. 'Your meal will be ready shortly,' he said.

Leon wasn't listening. 'I despise your brother!' he said in a deep, sexy voice.

'Right…' The Ganado watched Leon play with his toys like a young child.

'Ewrea ewrea! Agh! Rea rea!' screeched Ella Bella, handing the Ganado the chips and milkshake. Well, if you dared call it a milkshake. It was a horrible bogey-green colour! And don't get me started on the fries.

'Sir, your Happy Meal is ready,' mumbled the teen.

'Finally!' said Leon, who was now bored of his game, and had started doing Little Britain impressions.

'Would you like ketchup and salt with it, sir?'

'Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but…'

'I said, would you like ketchup and salt with it, sir?'

'If ye asked me on a Monday, I'll say, a-yeas! If ye asked me on a Tuesday, I'll say, a-no!'

The Ganado forced the Happy Meal into Leon's hands. 'Thanks for coming, I hope you visit us again!'

And so our hero left the domain of the Evil Yellow Arches, shouting, 'I'm the only gay in the village!' in a Welsh accent.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Will Salazar conquer his fear of mince pies? Will Mendez receive the PSP he's always wanted? Will Saddler be able to cook Christmas dinner…without burning the turkey? Find out in Chapter 7: The SSDS Christmas Special!


End file.
